New Rules Volume 1 by Bill Maher

New Rule: The next reality show must be called “America's Stupidest State.” [laughter] We'll start at 50, and each week, if your state does something really stupid with, say, evolution or images of the Virgin Mary, you'll move on to the next round. [laughter] Now, of course, the final five will always end up being Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas and Florida. [laughter] [applause] Sorry, Tennessee. [laughter]

New Rule: Someone must stop the Cirque du Soleil. [laughter] [cheers] [applause] If we hate the French so much, how come we gave them Las Vegas? [laughter] There are now six Cirque du Soleil-related shows on The Strip. Six! Who wants to spend two hours watching a bunch of French chicks fold themselves in half? [laughter] You know what? Scratch that. [laughter] New Rule: We need more Cirque du Soleil! [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. [laughter] [applause] Paper, plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] It's right above the crack of your ass. [laughter] And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” [laughter] [applause] The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. [laughter][applause] You're not spiritual. You're just high. [laughter]

And finally, New Rule: The people in America who are most in favor of the Iraq war must now go there and fight it. [applause] [cheers] The Army missed its recruiting goal by 42% last month. More people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. [laughter] “We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit.” [laughter] And now we need warm bodies. We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs…warm bodies! [laughter] [applause]

Now, last week, a Baptist minister in North Carolina told nine members of his congregation that unless they renounced their 2004 vote for John Kerry, they had to leave his church. Well, if we're that certain these days that George Bush is always that right about everything, then going to Iraq to fulfill the glorious leader's vision would seem the least one could do. [laughter] And, hey, if it makes it any easier for you, just think of it as a reality show: “Fear Factor: Shitting Your Pants Edition.” [laughter] [applause] “Survivor: Sunni Triangle.” [laughter] Or maybe it's a video game, “Grand Theft Allah.” [laughter]

Now, I know you're thinking, but, Bill, I already do my part with the “Support Our Troops” magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. [laughter] How much more can one man give? [laughter] Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? [applause] [cheers] Do they hate America or just freedom in general? [laughter] [applause]

And that goes for everybody who helped sell this war. You've got to go first. Brooks and Dunn, drop your cocks and grab your socks! [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Ann Coulter, darling, trust me, you will love the Army. [applause] [cheers] You think you make up shit! [laughter]

Curt Schilling, b-bye! [laughter] You ended the curse on Boston. Good. Let's try your luck in Fallouja. [laughter] Oh, and that Republican Baldwin brother, he's got to go so that Ted Nugent has someone to frag. [laughter] [applause]

But mostly, we have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears. [laughter] [applause] Because Britney once said, “We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens.” Okay, somebody has to die for that. [laughter] [applause]
Or at least go. Hey, maybe she'll like it. Hell, she's already knocked up. [laughter] That'll save the MP unit about ten minutes. [laughter] [groans] [applause]

And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline's face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie. [laughter] [applause]

In summation, you cannot advocate for something you wouldn't do yourself. For example, I'm for fuel efficiency, which is why I drive a hybrid car and always take an electric private plane. [laughter] I'm for legalizing marijuana, and so I smoke a ton of it. [laughter] [applause] [cheers].

Short Funny Jokes

Short Funny Jokes

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!


I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.


I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!

Short Funny Jokes - Things That Annoy Us

When people say or do these things, do they get annoying?

When people point at their watch and ask what time it is. I know where my watch is, where's yours? I don't point at my pants and ask where the bathroom is now do I?!

People are willing to get up and search the entire room for the remote because they refuse to walk up to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "its always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you found it? Do people really do this? Who and where are they?

When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.' OF COURSE. What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people at the movies say 'you see that?' No, I paid $9.00 to come to the theater and to stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

When something is 'new and improved', which one is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been sumthin before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, your the one that pulled me over.

When people say 'Life is short' What? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! Is there something they are doing longer, and what is it?

When people ask 'Can I BORROW a piece of paper?' Sure, but when you put all your answers on it, I want it back! I mean its a piece of paper!

When your waiting for the bus and the guy next to you asks 'bus come yet?' If it had came I wouldn't be standing here now would I?

People who ask, 'Can I ask you a question?' Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

- Funny Jokes! Funny Jokes! Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes

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When people say or do these things, do they get annoying?

When people point at their watch and ask what time it is. I know where my watch is, where's yours? I don't point at my pants and ask where the bathroom is now do I?!

People are willing to get up and search the entire room for the remote because they refuse to walk up to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "its always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you found it? Do people really do this? Who and where are they?

When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.' OF COURSE. What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people at the movies say 'you see that?' No, I paid $9.00 to come to the theater and to stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

When something is 'new and improved', which one is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been sumthin before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, your the one that pulled me over.

When people say 'Life is short' What? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! Is there something they are doing longer, and what is it?

When people ask 'Can I BORROW a piece of paper?' Sure, but when you put all your answers on it, I want it back! I mean its a piece of paper!

When your waiting for the bus and the guy next to you asks 'bus come yet?' If it had came I wouldn't be standing here now would I?

People who ask, 'Can I ask you a question?' Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

- Funny Jokes! Funny Jokes! Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes

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