Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Funny Jokes. Really Funny Jokes

Good gossip this week – according to the "National Enquirer”, President Bush has started drinking again...boy he’ll do anything to get Ted Kennedy’s support for his Supreme Court nominee.

Bush drinking again. That can’t be good news for North Korea!

Good news - the price of gasoline dropped this week. No wonder Dick Cheney was in the hospital.

As you heard – Vice President Dick Cheney had surgery over the weekend. Luckily it was a huge success. He had 18 organs replaced.

Some good news – the Bush administration captured the number one terror suspect yesterday. Anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan.

You know who she is, Cindy Sheehan? She was the mother who was demonstrating down there in Texas. She was arrested at the White House yesterday for sitting down doing nothing and refusing to move. If that’s case why didn’t they arrest the white house energy advisers?

A lot of people think global warming is causing these terrible hurricanes. See I think we should stop global warming, we should move in the other direction: towards a second ice age. Think about this: if giant glaciers were coming at us at like an inch a year, then the government would have time to respond, we could figure out a plan.

John Kerry said he was never clear about where John Roberts stood on the issues and for that reason he’s not voting for him. That’s the same reason Roberts didn’t vote for Kerry.
Today Donald Trump announced his wife is pregnant. Actually, he announced the creation of Trump the embryo.

They said they don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it doesn’t have trump’s hair.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Really Funny Jokes

Yesterday President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage from Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House.
--Conan O'Brien Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Joke of the Day, Daily Jokes

This is a note President Bush wrote to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. They were at a Security Council meeting in New York...It says: 'I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?' I didn't even know he was potty trained. At least he asked. Clinton would have just whipped it out right there."
--Jimmy KimmelShort Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Daily Jokes, Jokes of The Day

Funny Sayings

Funny Sayings

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Funny Sayings

He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Funny Sayings

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything....where would you put it?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Clean Funny Jokes

Clean Funny Jokes, Funny Jokes, "Joke of the Day"

President Bush spoke tonight to the nation about the problems with the relief effort. And afterwards, Kanye West gave the rebuttal.

To President Bush's credit, earlier tonight in a speech to the nation, he took the blame for the slow relief effort for Hurricane Katrina. In fact, he said, because of this, he probably will not run for a 3rd term.

Jay Leno Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Friday, September 09, 2005

Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes

President Bush asked today if his visits to the hurricane zone would count toward his service time he still owed the National Guard.

Jay Leno Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Short Funny Jokes, Daily Jokes

Are you ready for all the new fall TV shows? All the networks have their new slogans. NBC has "Feel the heat!” ABC has "Get with the program.” CBS…we have "Did you remember to take your pill?”

David Letterman Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Short Funny Jokes, Daily Jokes

I tell you, you know who is really enjoying the high gas prices? The Amish. They think this is the funniest thing.

Jay Leno Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Short Funny Jokes, Daily Jokes

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Really Funny Jokes. Clean Funny Jokes

Chicken experts at the University of Georgia, which sounds like a joke itself, have discovered how to transform dark meat into white meat. Well nice to see Michael Jackson’s doctor working again.
- Jay Leno Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Short Funny Jokes

Friday, September 02, 2005

Funny Jokes on Night Shows. Short Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes

Today I saw one of those only in New York scenes. I saw an elderly lady on a park bench in Central Park feeding the pigeons – to her pit-bull.
David Letterman Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes

Today President Bush met with the president of South Korea. The meeting got off to an awkward start when President Bush asked, "Are you from Good Korea or Bad Korea?”
Conan O' Brien Short Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Funny Jokes!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Funny Jokes. Short Funny Jokes. Really Funny Jokes

Tonight is the 12th anniversary of the "Late Show” on CBS! I’m starting to get the feeling that NBC doesn’t want me back.
- David Letterman Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Short Funny Jokes, "Joke of the Day"

Another hot and muggy day. It was lousy here. It was so humid out that Pat Robertson put a hit out on Al Roker.
- David Letterman Short Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, "Joke of the Day"