Monday Night November 7
Leno Daily Jokes
Did you all see that cruise ship on the news that was attacked by pirates? Wasn’t that something? They fired a cannon at it, they fired machine guns at it…look, I know Kathie Lee is annoying but that seems a little harsh.
Not looking good for President Bush’s popularity. It is now at thirty-nine percent. If he drops just three more points, he becomes a Democrat!
As you may have seen on the news, Vice President Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff Scooter Libby is on crutches. He apparently hurt his foot when he took a fall for Karl Rove.
President Bush ordered the White House staff to attend ethics classes. Not a moment too soon.
You thought FEMA was late.
Republican Senator Charles Grassley…interesting man… has asked the oil companies to use some of the billions of dollars of profit they’ve made recently to help poor people buy home heating oil. That’s when you know you’re making too much money. When Republicans start noticing.
The oil companies said they would like to help the poor people but they need all that money to buy more senators.
Iraq is planning a 5 star hotel plus a theme park in what they’re expecting to be a future tourism boom. Boom being the key word here.
This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That’s like a record.
Things are so bad in France, they’re asking the Germans to come back.
The rioters are said to be upset because they are immigrants who have been treated poorly by the French. What? French people treating foreigners rudely? I can’t believe that – stop the presses. Join the club. Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Joke of the day.
Letterman
It was a big weekend in New York City. The marathon was held, it was a big day for Kenya – also known there as pay day.
It was a good marathon – only 12 people are missing.
Tomorrow is Election Day and Mayor Bloomberg is so confident that today he called Florida and told them to cancel the bringing the crooked voting machines.
It’s now the 11th day of rioting in France. Today President Bush said, "Not to worry. The full use of FEMA is on the way.”
President Bush is finishing up his tour of South America. There’s been protestors, unrest, jeering, angry crowds – it’s like he’s right at home.
Short Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Joke of the day.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Nightly Jokes for October 31st, 2005
Leno
Happy Halloween everybody! I’m not going trick or treating until Wednesday. Do you know why? I’m going to go as a FEMA worker.
What’s with this fun size candy now? Have you noticed, our Halloween candy is getting smaller and smaller yet our kids are getting fatter and fatter. How is that possible?
NBC didn’t do anything special for Halloween. If they want to get scared all they do is look at the networks ratings.
This is sad. Did you hear what Harriet Miers dressed up as tonight? A Supreme Court Justice. It was her only chance.
President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito. Bush said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back.
As you know, over the weekend, people in the White House set their clocks back to Watergate.
Setting the clocks back of course means that the nights are now getting longer. More bad news for Scooter Libby.
Of course, the big question now is, what did President Bush know and when was it explained to him?
Anti war protestor, Cindy Sheehan said that she would tie herself up at the White House to get President Bush’s attention. Right idea, wrong president. I think that was more Bill’s kind of thing.
Letterman
(Rerun) Tonight Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary. Bill showed up to the scene with former President Bush.
Bill planned out a nice quiet dinner for two at a seaside hotel. We don’t know where Hillary was.
Conan
(Rerun) CNN is reporting that Bill Gates, the richest man in the world has received a raise from Microsoft. Gates says that he is happy about the raise and now he can finally buy that Canada he’s had his eye on.
President Bush’s list of Supreme Court nominees is down to a list of 12 people – or as Bush says, "All my fingers and two toes.”
Geraldo is getting a new fall TV show. No word yet on the name of the show since "The Biggest Loser” is already taken.
Happy Halloween everybody! I’m not going trick or treating until Wednesday. Do you know why? I’m going to go as a FEMA worker.
What’s with this fun size candy now? Have you noticed, our Halloween candy is getting smaller and smaller yet our kids are getting fatter and fatter. How is that possible?
NBC didn’t do anything special for Halloween. If they want to get scared all they do is look at the networks ratings.
This is sad. Did you hear what Harriet Miers dressed up as tonight? A Supreme Court Justice. It was her only chance.
President Bush was asked how he came up with a conservative like Alito. Bush said he got the idea over the weekend while turning the clocks back.
As you know, over the weekend, people in the White House set their clocks back to Watergate.
Setting the clocks back of course means that the nights are now getting longer. More bad news for Scooter Libby.
Of course, the big question now is, what did President Bush know and when was it explained to him?
Anti war protestor, Cindy Sheehan said that she would tie herself up at the White House to get President Bush’s attention. Right idea, wrong president. I think that was more Bill’s kind of thing.
Letterman
(Rerun) Tonight Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary. Bill showed up to the scene with former President Bush.
Bill planned out a nice quiet dinner for two at a seaside hotel. We don’t know where Hillary was.
Conan
(Rerun) CNN is reporting that Bill Gates, the richest man in the world has received a raise from Microsoft. Gates says that he is happy about the raise and now he can finally buy that Canada he’s had his eye on.
President Bush’s list of Supreme Court nominees is down to a list of 12 people – or as Bush says, "All my fingers and two toes.”
Geraldo is getting a new fall TV show. No word yet on the name of the show since "The Biggest Loser” is already taken.
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