New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. [laughter] [applause] “At ExxonMobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.” Please, the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is that they would both steal French fries from a baby.
Short Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Short Funny Jokes on Britney Spears and Election
Britney Spears says she had to get rid of her dog because it didn’t get along with her husband Kevin Federline. All he would do is sit around the house and lick himself – and so would the dog.
- Conan O Brien Short Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes
Hurricane Katrina looked like it was bad in Florida the other day. Law enforcement officials went around telling people to stay in their homes, and black people thought it was election day.
- Bill Maher Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Race Jokes, Really Funny Jokes
Monday, August 29, 2005
Short Funny Jokes on President Bush. Really Funny Jokes
You know, I tell you, that George Bush, he does – Bush wants this to work out. He actually called Shiite leaders today. He said he has learned it's important to reach out to the other side so they don't show up at your ranch during your vacation.
Bill Maher Short Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes
Now, you heard about Pat Robertson this week, said he wanted to – said we should assassinate the president of Venezuela . And then apologized. He said, “But, look, I'm – what can I say? You gotta talk gangsta to impress the bitches.”
Bill Maher comments on Pat Robertson, Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Short Funny Jokes. on George Bush. Clean Funny Jokes
Early this morning a devastating fire burned down the personal library of President George W. Bush. Tragically, both books were lost in the conflagration. More poignantly, The President, due to his hectic schedule, had not found time to color in the second one.
Short Funny Jokes on George Bush. Really Funny Jokes and Clean Funny Jokes.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Short Funny Jokes about Luck. Really Funny Jokes
"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
Freddie Starr Short Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes
Freddie Starr Short Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes
Friday, August 26, 2005
Short Funny Jokes about George Bush. Clean Funny Jokes
The senate has finally agreed to vote on President Bush’s judicial nominees without having a filibuster. However, President Bush still thinks that a filibuster is a chocolate covered peanut candy bar.
- Clean Funny Jokes by Conan O Brien, Really Funny Jokes, Short Funny JokesThursday, August 25, 2005
Short Funny Jokes by Chris Rock
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
- Chris Rock Really Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes
- Chris Rock Really Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Really Funny Jokes. Short Funny Jokes
Really Funny Jokes on Late Night Comedy Shows. Clean Funny Jokes.
"President Bush still having his five-week vacation. Today President Bush announced he is going to leave his ranch in Texas to visit Idaho for two days. However, Bush told his supporters, 'Don't worry, I won't do any work there either.'"
--Short Funny Jokes by Conan O'Brien, Clean Funny Jokes on Bush's Vacation
"It's very sad. They tried everything to get these people to leave. They tried water cannons. They tried special forces. They tried wire cutters, and finally, as a last resort, they had a black family move in next door, and they just (got) right out of there."
-- Short Funny Jokes by Bill Maher, Clean Funny Jokes on the Israeli pullout from Gaza
"Tough times in Israel. The settlers didn't want to leave because they feel that the land was given to them by God. It's the same way that Republicans feel about the White House."
--Jay Leno Short Funny Jokes. Really Funny Jokes
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Short Funny Jokes. Clean Funny Jokes
Mike Tyson has been fined $373 by officials in Italy after riding a jet ski without a helmet. Mike Tyson on a jet ski. Remember the old days when the scariest thing biting you in the water were the sharks?!
- "Short Funny Jokes" by Jay Leno, "Really Funny Jokes", "Clean Funny Jokes"
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Short Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes
Jay Leno Jokes:
Today Exxon announced they’re not going to lower the price of gas but to lessen the pain, they are now going to put some Vaseline on the nozzles.
Jay Leno "Short Funny Jokes"
Tough times in Israel. The settlers didn’t want to leave because they feel that the land was given to them by God. It’s the same way that Republicans feel about the White House.
Jay Leno Short Funny Jokes
- August 19th - Short Funny Jokes, "Really Funny Jokes", "Clean Funny Jokes"
Today Exxon announced they’re not going to lower the price of gas but to lessen the pain, they are now going to put some Vaseline on the nozzles.
Jay Leno "Short Funny Jokes"
Tough times in Israel. The settlers didn’t want to leave because they feel that the land was given to them by God. It’s the same way that Republicans feel about the White House.
Jay Leno Short Funny Jokes
- August 19th - Short Funny Jokes, "Really Funny Jokes", "Clean Funny Jokes"
Friday, August 19, 2005
Short Funny Jokes - Really Funny Jokes - Poor
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
- Rodney Dangerfield "Short Funny Jokes", "Really Funny Jokes"
- Rodney Dangerfield "Short Funny Jokes", "Really Funny Jokes"
Short Funny Jokes, Daily Jokes by Jay Leno
According to a poll in USA Today, 40% of Mexicans say they would move to the United States if they had the chance. The other 60% are already here.
- Short Funny Jokes by Jay Leno, "Joke of the Day"
- Short Funny Jokes by Jay Leno, "Joke of the Day"
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Short Funny Jokes from Jay Leno
Scientists at MIT have created the world's largest number and they did it without using a computer. They used a gas pump and a Cadillac Escalade.
Eight states in Texas are competing with one another to be the location for the George Bush presidential library. On opening night it'll be B.Y.O.B. -- Bring Your Own Books.
George W. Bush Presidential Library... That shouldn't take up too much space. What are we talking about? A box of Cliff Notes and some pop-up books?
How many of you are glad they're writing a new constitution in Iraq? How many of you just wish they'd stop rewriting our's here at home?
The Rolling Stones are about to go out on tour. Tickets are $100 a piece. But the good news is -- Medicare will kick in half.
"Short Funny Jokes", Really Funny Jokes, Daily Jokes from Jay Leno
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Funny Jokes by Woody Allen. Short Funny Jokes
"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'."
- Short Funny Jokes by Woody Allen Funny Jokes
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
- Funny Jokes Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
- Funny Jokes by Woody Allen
- Short Funny Jokes by Woody Allen Funny Jokes
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
- Funny Jokes Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
- Funny Jokes by Woody Allen
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Hand picked short funny jokes from the Late Night Comedy Shows.
Clean jokes from the material of Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O' Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, and many others.
Jokes for the Week of July 17-23
"Pennsylvania Republican family values congressman Don Sherwood, who is married, has admitted he had an affair for five years with a young women. But he said it is a five-year affair he deeply regrets. That's something -- these guys only regret the affair after they've been caught. They never regret it when the pants are going down -- only when they're coming back up. ... Before he got elected to Congress he was a used car dealer. So he's married, a Congressman, and a used car-salesman. That's like the trifecta of lying." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear the video game industry has changed the ratings of the game Grand Theft Auto to an adult-only rating after pressure from media watch dog groups and politicians because the game had hidden sexual content? Politicians felt the sex would have a negative effect on the children. See that shows you how up tight we are in this country about sex. Apparently a game when you're stealing cars and killing cops is okay -- it's the sex we're worried about." --Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead." --Jay Leno
"There are now reports that top White House aide Karl Rove is being investigated for lying to the grand Jury. You know something? That sounds like a rich white guy crime -- lying to the grand jury. You never see anybody on Cops being charged with that." --Jay Leno
"Happy birthday to a great American -- Bob Dole is 85 today. The Army Corp of Engineers conducted a controlled burn on his cake." --David Letterman
"President Bush had breakfast with his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Afterwards Bush said he's never seen such a qualified candidate and John Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula." --Conan O'Brien
"Everyone has Harry Potter fever. Earlier today former FBI official Mark Felt announced that he was the half blood prince." --David Letterman
"The White House revealed today that there were eleven finalists for the Supreme Court nomination before President Bush chose this John Roberts guy. And here's the shocking part: you know who the runner up was? Bo Bice." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Cheney got a colonoscopy this week and doctors say that he is fine, but he did have an inflamed esophagus. Which is kind of strange. You go in for a colonoscopy and you come out and you've got an inflamed esophagus. I guess it is better then the other way around. You go in to get your throat checked and you wake up with a sore ass." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has nominated John Roberts to be the next Supreme Court justice. So counting this nomination, this is the second person who's gotten a job for life from President Bush. The first, of course, being the guy in charge of the war in Iraq." --Jay Leno
"According to a new report, China's increasingly modern military will eventually threaten the United States. They already have these intercontinental missiles that can reach us. Do you think we have anything to worry about from China? Why would they try to kill their best customer? It would be like Columbia trying to destroy Hollywood." --Jay Leno
"According to the New York Post, Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. Which is pretty amazing considering, you know, he recently had that near-death experience. Not the heart bypass but when Hillary came home early." --Jay Leno
"John Roberts could be the newest member of the Supreme Court and I gotta tell you -- I haven't seen this much charisma since the Oreck vacuum guy. He's everywhere. Now he's doing a lot of interviews hoping to get nominated. Earlier today he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman
"Yesterday Canada joined Spain to become one of the only countries to legalize gay marriage. As a result, Canada and Spain are going to spend the weekend antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien
"In Iraq, the U.S. military wants to disperse angry rioters by using a new weapon called a microwave beam. Officials say the beam works perfectly. The hard part is getting the rioters to stand on a slowly revolving plate." --Conan O'Brien
"I guess we're all excited that President Bush announced his nomination to the Supreme Court -- John Roberts. Bush searched far and wide before he made the risky choice of a white guy in his fifties." --David Letterman
"President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno
"You realize he is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq." --Jay Leno
"Even the Democrats are saying while John Roberts is extremely conservative, he is very bright, he is intellectually curious, and has a great legal mind -- so it must have been a real thrill for him to be interviewed by President Bush." --Jay Leno
"Here's what we know about John Roberts -- he's a conservative and, as a small town judge, he once outlawed dirty dancing." --David Letterman
"Last night President Bush picked Judge John Roberts to be his nominee to the Supreme Court. The name was actually leaked to the press a couple hours earlier. That Karl Rove is unbelievable." --Jay Leno
"President Bush announced his Supreme Court pick. Isn't that exciting? ... President Bush announced that he has nominated Judge John Roberts to the court. When asked why, Bush said he picked Roberts because he has one of the finest legal minds since Matlock." --Conan O'Brien
"Last night (President Bush) unveiled his pick with his mastery of the rhetorically obvious. [clip of Bush:'"When a president chooses a justice he's placing in human hands the authority and majesty of the law.'] So you're going with a human are you? Eeeeeeexcellent." --Jon Stewart
"After all the media's speculation about Edith this or Hispanic that, they picked a white guy. And not just any white guy, A REALLY white guy. John Roberts? That's the fake name that every underage kid busted with booze uses." --Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms
"According to the New York Post the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral is Bill Clinton. I think Hillary has planned it a thousand times." --Jay Leno
"Al Gore has announced he is starting his own TV cable network. ... He is billing it as the first network for 18 to 34 year olds. Apparently Al's never heard of MTV." --Jay Leno
"President Bush hosted a state dinner for the prime minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush urged the Indian prime minister to clean his plate because there were people starving in his country." --Conan O'Brien
"I think Karl Rove is getting a little worried. Like today he said the biggest problem facing Americans -- prison rape." --Jay Leno
"Karl Rove, he is very desperate now. He's trying to improve his image. And, this afternoon, earlier today, he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman "I thought this was nice – earlier today Martha Stewart showed Karl Rove how to slip off an ankle monitor." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today President Bush says that he doesn't want to act too quickly and he doesn't want to act before he has all the facts. And I thought, this doesn't sound like the President Bush I know. ... President Bush does say he'll stand by Karl Rove, and you know what that means -- he'll be gone in a week." --David Letterman
"Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual check up this week. And doctors did a review of Cheney's pace marker. They said it never had to go off. You know how those work? It's designed to automatically stabilize Cheney's heart beat if it beats erratically or if the price of oil goes below 40 dollars a barrel." --Jay Leno
"Chief Justice William Rehnquist denied reports that he’s going to retire for health reasons. He said that during an interview on the show "Crossing Over.'" --Jay Leno
"The prime minister of India was at the White House today. One kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer? I'm having some problems with it. I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'" --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney went to George Washington University Hospital and got a colonoscopy. The doctor said his colon is fine, but his esophagus is inflamed. Let me tell you something, if you finish a colonoscopy and you have a sore throat, that is a very thorough exam." --Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has called for an investigation of the video game Grand Theft Auto after finding hidden sex in the game. I don’t know, is Hillary the best one to go looking for hidden sex? If Hillary was any good at finding it, her husband wouldn't have been impeached." --Jay Leno
Clean jokes from the material of Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O' Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, and many others.
Jokes for the Week of July 17-23
"Pennsylvania Republican family values congressman Don Sherwood, who is married, has admitted he had an affair for five years with a young women. But he said it is a five-year affair he deeply regrets. That's something -- these guys only regret the affair after they've been caught. They never regret it when the pants are going down -- only when they're coming back up. ... Before he got elected to Congress he was a used car dealer. So he's married, a Congressman, and a used car-salesman. That's like the trifecta of lying." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear the video game industry has changed the ratings of the game Grand Theft Auto to an adult-only rating after pressure from media watch dog groups and politicians because the game had hidden sexual content? Politicians felt the sex would have a negative effect on the children. See that shows you how up tight we are in this country about sex. Apparently a game when you're stealing cars and killing cops is okay -- it's the sex we're worried about." --Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead." --Jay Leno
"There are now reports that top White House aide Karl Rove is being investigated for lying to the grand Jury. You know something? That sounds like a rich white guy crime -- lying to the grand jury. You never see anybody on Cops being charged with that." --Jay Leno
"Happy birthday to a great American -- Bob Dole is 85 today. The Army Corp of Engineers conducted a controlled burn on his cake." --David Letterman
"President Bush had breakfast with his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Afterwards Bush said he's never seen such a qualified candidate and John Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula." --Conan O'Brien
"Everyone has Harry Potter fever. Earlier today former FBI official Mark Felt announced that he was the half blood prince." --David Letterman
"The White House revealed today that there were eleven finalists for the Supreme Court nomination before President Bush chose this John Roberts guy. And here's the shocking part: you know who the runner up was? Bo Bice." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Cheney got a colonoscopy this week and doctors say that he is fine, but he did have an inflamed esophagus. Which is kind of strange. You go in for a colonoscopy and you come out and you've got an inflamed esophagus. I guess it is better then the other way around. You go in to get your throat checked and you wake up with a sore ass." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has nominated John Roberts to be the next Supreme Court justice. So counting this nomination, this is the second person who's gotten a job for life from President Bush. The first, of course, being the guy in charge of the war in Iraq." --Jay Leno
"According to a new report, China's increasingly modern military will eventually threaten the United States. They already have these intercontinental missiles that can reach us. Do you think we have anything to worry about from China? Why would they try to kill their best customer? It would be like Columbia trying to destroy Hollywood." --Jay Leno
"According to the New York Post, Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. Which is pretty amazing considering, you know, he recently had that near-death experience. Not the heart bypass but when Hillary came home early." --Jay Leno
"John Roberts could be the newest member of the Supreme Court and I gotta tell you -- I haven't seen this much charisma since the Oreck vacuum guy. He's everywhere. Now he's doing a lot of interviews hoping to get nominated. Earlier today he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman
"Yesterday Canada joined Spain to become one of the only countries to legalize gay marriage. As a result, Canada and Spain are going to spend the weekend antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien
"In Iraq, the U.S. military wants to disperse angry rioters by using a new weapon called a microwave beam. Officials say the beam works perfectly. The hard part is getting the rioters to stand on a slowly revolving plate." --Conan O'Brien
"I guess we're all excited that President Bush announced his nomination to the Supreme Court -- John Roberts. Bush searched far and wide before he made the risky choice of a white guy in his fifties." --David Letterman
"President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno
"You realize he is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq." --Jay Leno
"Even the Democrats are saying while John Roberts is extremely conservative, he is very bright, he is intellectually curious, and has a great legal mind -- so it must have been a real thrill for him to be interviewed by President Bush." --Jay Leno
"Here's what we know about John Roberts -- he's a conservative and, as a small town judge, he once outlawed dirty dancing." --David Letterman
"Last night President Bush picked Judge John Roberts to be his nominee to the Supreme Court. The name was actually leaked to the press a couple hours earlier. That Karl Rove is unbelievable." --Jay Leno
"President Bush announced his Supreme Court pick. Isn't that exciting? ... President Bush announced that he has nominated Judge John Roberts to the court. When asked why, Bush said he picked Roberts because he has one of the finest legal minds since Matlock." --Conan O'Brien
"Last night (President Bush) unveiled his pick with his mastery of the rhetorically obvious. [clip of Bush:'"When a president chooses a justice he's placing in human hands the authority and majesty of the law.'] So you're going with a human are you? Eeeeeeexcellent." --Jon Stewart
"After all the media's speculation about Edith this or Hispanic that, they picked a white guy. And not just any white guy, A REALLY white guy. John Roberts? That's the fake name that every underage kid busted with booze uses." --Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms
"According to the New York Post the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral is Bill Clinton. I think Hillary has planned it a thousand times." --Jay Leno
"Al Gore has announced he is starting his own TV cable network. ... He is billing it as the first network for 18 to 34 year olds. Apparently Al's never heard of MTV." --Jay Leno
"President Bush hosted a state dinner for the prime minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush urged the Indian prime minister to clean his plate because there were people starving in his country." --Conan O'Brien
"I think Karl Rove is getting a little worried. Like today he said the biggest problem facing Americans -- prison rape." --Jay Leno
"Karl Rove, he is very desperate now. He's trying to improve his image. And, this afternoon, earlier today, he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman "I thought this was nice – earlier today Martha Stewart showed Karl Rove how to slip off an ankle monitor." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today President Bush says that he doesn't want to act too quickly and he doesn't want to act before he has all the facts. And I thought, this doesn't sound like the President Bush I know. ... President Bush does say he'll stand by Karl Rove, and you know what that means -- he'll be gone in a week." --David Letterman
"Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual check up this week. And doctors did a review of Cheney's pace marker. They said it never had to go off. You know how those work? It's designed to automatically stabilize Cheney's heart beat if it beats erratically or if the price of oil goes below 40 dollars a barrel." --Jay Leno
"Chief Justice William Rehnquist denied reports that he’s going to retire for health reasons. He said that during an interview on the show "Crossing Over.'" --Jay Leno
"The prime minister of India was at the White House today. One kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer? I'm having some problems with it. I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'" --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney went to George Washington University Hospital and got a colonoscopy. The doctor said his colon is fine, but his esophagus is inflamed. Let me tell you something, if you finish a colonoscopy and you have a sore throat, that is a very thorough exam." --Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has called for an investigation of the video game Grand Theft Auto after finding hidden sex in the game. I don’t know, is Hillary the best one to go looking for hidden sex? If Hillary was any good at finding it, her husband wouldn't have been impeached." --Jay Leno
Late Night Jokes for August 2nd Week
Hand picked short funny jokes from the Late Night Comedy Shows.
Clean jokes from the material of Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O' Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, and many others.
Jokes for the Week of July 10-17
"Karl Rove is in a lot of trouble for allegedly leaking the name of a CIA operative. Remember the good old days when the only thing leaking in the White House was President Clinton?" --Jay Leno
"This puts President Bush in kind of a jam because a year ago he said whoever leaked the name of the CIA operative would be fired. It's a case of Bush spoke too soon; like when he said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno
"Karl Rove is really not worried about this because he knows Bush is extremely loyal to his staff. He never likes to fire his staff -- not out of loyalty; he hates having to learn new names." --Jay Leno
"According to a new study by the National Geographic 11% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on the map of the world. You know the only place where everyone could find the United States on a map of the world? Mexico." --Jay Leno
"Support for Osama bin Laden is down in Muslim countries. ... In fact, bin Laden's approval rating is so low, today he hired Karl Rove to try to get the numbers back up." --Jay Leno
"William Rehnquist denied reports he's retiring. ... He said that was a nasty rumor started by his mortician." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's still searching for a Supreme Court justice. ... Bush said he's thinking of appointing someone who's not a judge. He has it narrowed down to a cowboy or a fireman." --Jay Leno
"Sandra Day O'Connor is now being urged not to retire. In fact, Clarence Thomas told her, 'Please don't go. You're so much hotter than Ruth Bader Ginsburg'" --Jay Leno
"There are hints now that President Bush might be backing away from Karl Rove. Like, today, he gave him a new job -- ambassador to Iraq. You know what's interesting -- this whole Karl Rove scandal -- it's just like the Clinton scandal. It involves a pudgy person in the Oval Office who can't keep their mouth shut." --Jay Leno
"In testimony on Capitol Hill, the Pentagon admitted to degrading and abusing prisoners at Guantanamo. They said one prisoner was forced to dance with a man, wear a leash and perform tricks. The bad news -- they didn't get any information from the guy, but the good news -- the guy did get accepted to five different fraternities." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said he would be willing to consider people who were not judges or lawyers for the Supreme Court opening. Yeah, making the supreme laws of the land -- what kind of job is that for professionals?" --Jay Leno
"President Bush is busy trying to pick a new Supreme Court Justice. Yesterday President Bush was asked if he would consider nominating someone who has never been a judge before and he said 'you bet.' Then the president said the same thing when asked if he wanted to take the day off and play laser tag." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush went to Indiana to try and reach out to the state's black voters. Apparently Indiana's black voters are divided -- one likes Bush; the other doesn't." --Conan O'Brien
"The other day former President Clinton played golf with Yankee manager Joe Torre. Apparently they spent most of the time trying to figure out who is the bigger pain in the ass -- Hillary or George Steinbrenner" --Conan O'Brien
"Last month Congress took a bold step away from protecting America's mass transit system by voting to slash next year's security budget for them by $50 millions. $50 million, or to put it in Amtrak terms, 45 cream cheese and raisin sandwiches and a bottle of diet coke. ... You know, just once I would like to see Congress pre-spond. You know, a change of pace. But while 9/11 changed everything; 7/7 didn't change all that much. Tuesday the Senate also voted to continue distributing a significant portion of security dollars equally among the states, rather then by likelihood of attack. Bad news for -- I don't know -- here. But good news for smaller states like Wyoming, which only has one high risk target -- the popular tourist attraction: the world's largest pile of homeland security money." --Jon Stewart
"Karl Rove is in a lot of trouble. The White House says today that President Bush is standing by his top advisor Karl Rove even though Rove apparently revealed the identity of a CIA agent. However, Bush did say he would fire Rove if he revealed the end of 'Charlie and the Chocolate factory.'" --Conan O'Brien "More problems for Karl Rove -- now he's accused of leaking the plot of the Harry Potter book." --Jay Leno
"This is a tough situation for President Bush because he and Rove are very close. And a friend of both was quoted saying today they finish each other's sentence. Although I am pretty sure Bush starts the sentence, and then the other guy finishes." --Jay Leno
"Chief Justice William Rehnquist was hospitalized last night with a slight fever. Doctors have worked out a compromise so he can still work. They're going to give him a judge's robe that opens in the back." --Jay Leno
"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton compared President Bush to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. ... After hearing this the president said, 'Finally a literary reference I can understand.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The big rumor is that Chief Justice Rehnquist is going to resign from the Supreme Court this week. See, I won't believe it till it's leaked to the New York Times by Karl Rove -- then I'll believe it's true." --Jay Leno
"Suspicion for the leak was immediately cast on White House adviser and long time Bush confident, Karl Rove, known as one of the few men in Washington with flesh colored hair" --Jon Stewart
"It was reported that 2 out of every 10 men and 4 out of every 10 women of recruiting age are too fat to be in the United States military. I believe the new slogan is 'An Army of One, the Size of Two.' In fact, now when the recruiter says don't ask don't tell, they're talking about your weight." --Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton wrote a piece for the New York Daily News, saying we should be more concerned about childhood obesity. Well, of course, she has invested in this because one of those little fat girls could one day grow up to be her husband's girlfriend." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton was also in Aspen, Colorado, this week where she gave a speech and accused President Bush of damaging the economy by catering to the rich. And why give a speech in Aspen, Colorado, of course, unless you are catering to the rich" --Jay Leno
"Where are the country singers threatening to put boots up people asses? ... Who grieves this privately? This American likes his sorrow in t-shirt form" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry, on London in the aftermath of the attacks
"The president's top political adviser, Karl Rove, is spending all his time working on Bush's next Supreme Court nominee. Well sure, that's because this judge could decide if Rove is going to prison or not." --Jay Leno
Clean jokes from the material of Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O' Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, and many others.
Jokes for the Week of July 10-17
"Karl Rove is in a lot of trouble for allegedly leaking the name of a CIA operative. Remember the good old days when the only thing leaking in the White House was President Clinton?" --Jay Leno
"This puts President Bush in kind of a jam because a year ago he said whoever leaked the name of the CIA operative would be fired. It's a case of Bush spoke too soon; like when he said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno
"Karl Rove is really not worried about this because he knows Bush is extremely loyal to his staff. He never likes to fire his staff -- not out of loyalty; he hates having to learn new names." --Jay Leno
"According to a new study by the National Geographic 11% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on the map of the world. You know the only place where everyone could find the United States on a map of the world? Mexico." --Jay Leno
"Support for Osama bin Laden is down in Muslim countries. ... In fact, bin Laden's approval rating is so low, today he hired Karl Rove to try to get the numbers back up." --Jay Leno
"William Rehnquist denied reports he's retiring. ... He said that was a nasty rumor started by his mortician." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's still searching for a Supreme Court justice. ... Bush said he's thinking of appointing someone who's not a judge. He has it narrowed down to a cowboy or a fireman." --Jay Leno
"Sandra Day O'Connor is now being urged not to retire. In fact, Clarence Thomas told her, 'Please don't go. You're so much hotter than Ruth Bader Ginsburg'" --Jay Leno
"There are hints now that President Bush might be backing away from Karl Rove. Like, today, he gave him a new job -- ambassador to Iraq. You know what's interesting -- this whole Karl Rove scandal -- it's just like the Clinton scandal. It involves a pudgy person in the Oval Office who can't keep their mouth shut." --Jay Leno
"In testimony on Capitol Hill, the Pentagon admitted to degrading and abusing prisoners at Guantanamo. They said one prisoner was forced to dance with a man, wear a leash and perform tricks. The bad news -- they didn't get any information from the guy, but the good news -- the guy did get accepted to five different fraternities." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said he would be willing to consider people who were not judges or lawyers for the Supreme Court opening. Yeah, making the supreme laws of the land -- what kind of job is that for professionals?" --Jay Leno
"President Bush is busy trying to pick a new Supreme Court Justice. Yesterday President Bush was asked if he would consider nominating someone who has never been a judge before and he said 'you bet.' Then the president said the same thing when asked if he wanted to take the day off and play laser tag." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush went to Indiana to try and reach out to the state's black voters. Apparently Indiana's black voters are divided -- one likes Bush; the other doesn't." --Conan O'Brien
"The other day former President Clinton played golf with Yankee manager Joe Torre. Apparently they spent most of the time trying to figure out who is the bigger pain in the ass -- Hillary or George Steinbrenner" --Conan O'Brien
"Last month Congress took a bold step away from protecting America's mass transit system by voting to slash next year's security budget for them by $50 millions. $50 million, or to put it in Amtrak terms, 45 cream cheese and raisin sandwiches and a bottle of diet coke. ... You know, just once I would like to see Congress pre-spond. You know, a change of pace. But while 9/11 changed everything; 7/7 didn't change all that much. Tuesday the Senate also voted to continue distributing a significant portion of security dollars equally among the states, rather then by likelihood of attack. Bad news for -- I don't know -- here. But good news for smaller states like Wyoming, which only has one high risk target -- the popular tourist attraction: the world's largest pile of homeland security money." --Jon Stewart
"Karl Rove is in a lot of trouble. The White House says today that President Bush is standing by his top advisor Karl Rove even though Rove apparently revealed the identity of a CIA agent. However, Bush did say he would fire Rove if he revealed the end of 'Charlie and the Chocolate factory.'" --Conan O'Brien "More problems for Karl Rove -- now he's accused of leaking the plot of the Harry Potter book." --Jay Leno
"This is a tough situation for President Bush because he and Rove are very close. And a friend of both was quoted saying today they finish each other's sentence. Although I am pretty sure Bush starts the sentence, and then the other guy finishes." --Jay Leno
"Chief Justice William Rehnquist was hospitalized last night with a slight fever. Doctors have worked out a compromise so he can still work. They're going to give him a judge's robe that opens in the back." --Jay Leno
"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton compared President Bush to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. ... After hearing this the president said, 'Finally a literary reference I can understand.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The big rumor is that Chief Justice Rehnquist is going to resign from the Supreme Court this week. See, I won't believe it till it's leaked to the New York Times by Karl Rove -- then I'll believe it's true." --Jay Leno
"Suspicion for the leak was immediately cast on White House adviser and long time Bush confident, Karl Rove, known as one of the few men in Washington with flesh colored hair" --Jon Stewart
"It was reported that 2 out of every 10 men and 4 out of every 10 women of recruiting age are too fat to be in the United States military. I believe the new slogan is 'An Army of One, the Size of Two.' In fact, now when the recruiter says don't ask don't tell, they're talking about your weight." --Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton wrote a piece for the New York Daily News, saying we should be more concerned about childhood obesity. Well, of course, she has invested in this because one of those little fat girls could one day grow up to be her husband's girlfriend." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton was also in Aspen, Colorado, this week where she gave a speech and accused President Bush of damaging the economy by catering to the rich. And why give a speech in Aspen, Colorado, of course, unless you are catering to the rich" --Jay Leno
"Where are the country singers threatening to put boots up people asses? ... Who grieves this privately? This American likes his sorrow in t-shirt form" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry, on London in the aftermath of the attacks
"The president's top political adviser, Karl Rove, is spending all his time working on Bush's next Supreme Court nominee. Well sure, that's because this judge could decide if Rove is going to prison or not." --Jay Leno
Monday, August 15, 2005
Late Night Jokes - Jay Leno, David Letterman
How many have seen this movie "March of The Penguins"? It’s doing huge business. You know why they’re marching? They can’t afford the gas.
President Bush has indicated that the President of Iran will receive a visa to come to the United States. I’m as shocked as you. You still need a visa to come to the U.S.? I thought they did away with that stuff years ago.
As you know, President Bush is taking 5 weeks off. It’s like he’s still in the National Guard.
California education officials said today that the state of California needs 52,000 more teachers. They say we are facing a huge teacher shortage. In fact, by the year 2007, they said many students will be forced to have sex with each other.
Yesterday the Kansas City Royals lost their 13th game in a row. Thirteen in a row. So apparently, President Bush isn’t the only one taking the entire month of August off.
That 79-year-old priest from St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City has resigned after allegations that he had an affair. He said he was stepping down to spend more time with his girlfriend.
According to "The New York Post", runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks was supposed to get married today, it never happened. Ironically she showed up at the church and everybody else left town.
Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal computer. Experts say it revolutionized work and made people more productive at the office. Except for the six hours a day they’re emailing friends looking at porn and playing solitaire.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Martha Stewart Is Losing It.
Digging a tunnel to see "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo".
Believes Rafael Palmeiro.
Getting claustrophobic in her cramped 10,000 square foot, 153 acre estate.
Old catchphrase: "It's a good thing"- new catchphrase: "Get off my property or I'll cut you!"
Recently purchased mummified remains of Julia Child.
Hasn't slapped an underling in weeks.
Spends hours on end trying to teach macramé to backyard squirrels.
Spikes her coffee with a shot of Lemon Pledge.
Strolls around garden in ankle bracelet...and nothing else.
Every night same routine - tin of Skoal and Kung Fu magazines.
President Bush has indicated that the President of Iran will receive a visa to come to the United States. I’m as shocked as you. You still need a visa to come to the U.S.? I thought they did away with that stuff years ago.
As you know, President Bush is taking 5 weeks off. It’s like he’s still in the National Guard.
California education officials said today that the state of California needs 52,000 more teachers. They say we are facing a huge teacher shortage. In fact, by the year 2007, they said many students will be forced to have sex with each other.
Yesterday the Kansas City Royals lost their 13th game in a row. Thirteen in a row. So apparently, President Bush isn’t the only one taking the entire month of August off.
That 79-year-old priest from St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City has resigned after allegations that he had an affair. He said he was stepping down to spend more time with his girlfriend.
According to "The New York Post", runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks was supposed to get married today, it never happened. Ironically she showed up at the church and everybody else left town.
Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal computer. Experts say it revolutionized work and made people more productive at the office. Except for the six hours a day they’re emailing friends looking at porn and playing solitaire.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Martha Stewart Is Losing It.
Digging a tunnel to see "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo".
Believes Rafael Palmeiro.
Getting claustrophobic in her cramped 10,000 square foot, 153 acre estate.
Old catchphrase: "It's a good thing"- new catchphrase: "Get off my property or I'll cut you!"
Recently purchased mummified remains of Julia Child.
Hasn't slapped an underling in weeks.
Spends hours on end trying to teach macramé to backyard squirrels.
Spikes her coffee with a shot of Lemon Pledge.
Strolls around garden in ankle bracelet...and nothing else.
Every night same routine - tin of Skoal and Kung Fu magazines.
Funny Jokes
Funny Jokes
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast." Funny Jokes
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield)
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling)
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman)
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?" Funny Jokes.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose."
L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."
I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen." (Bill Maher)
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I’m thinking!"
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)
I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)
In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)
A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"
At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. (Richard Lewis)
There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"
Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey)
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)
Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand." (Dick Gregory)
Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips) Funny Jokes.
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." (Woody Allen)
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say "Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, theyd’ say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That’s now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, "Don’t put off that mammogram." (Rita Rudner)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. (David Letterman)
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis Miller)
Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner).
These impossible women! How do they get around us! The poet was right: can’t live with them, or without them! (Aristophanes)
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)
Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman)
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world (Steven Wright)
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)
A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram."
They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?' (Steven Wright)
A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had." The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"
The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)
Bob: "Emily, aren’t you afraid of death?" Emily: "I just think of it as a part of life." Bob: "Yeah. The last part." (Bob Newhart show/Sy Rosen)
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit." (Bill Maher)
My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap." (Paul Rodriguez)
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast." Funny Jokes
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield)
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling)
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman)
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?" Funny Jokes.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose."
L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."
I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen." (Bill Maher)
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I’m thinking!"
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)
I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)
In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)
A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"
At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. (Richard Lewis)
There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"
Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey)
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)
Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand." (Dick Gregory)
Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips) Funny Jokes.
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." (Woody Allen)
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say "Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, theyd’ say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That’s now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, "Don’t put off that mammogram." (Rita Rudner)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. (David Letterman)
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis Miller)
Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner).
These impossible women! How do they get around us! The poet was right: can’t live with them, or without them! (Aristophanes)
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)
Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman)
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world (Steven Wright)
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)
A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t get your telegram."
They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?' (Steven Wright)
A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had." The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"
The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)
Bob: "Emily, aren’t you afraid of death?" Emily: "I just think of it as a part of life." Bob: "Yeah. The last part." (Bob Newhart show/Sy Rosen)
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit." (Bill Maher)
My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap." (Paul Rodriguez)
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)
New Rules Volume 2 - Bill Maher
New Rule: This year, instead of running a new Kentucky Derby, Kentucky must just show an old one. [laughter] No one will know the difference. [laughter] They've been showing the same NASCAR race since 1994, and no one seems to mind. [laughter]
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. [laughter] [applause] If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you're a huge asshole. [laughter] [applause]
SULLIVAN: And then you pay by credit card, right? [laughter]
MAHER: Yeah, that's right. If you're this much of a control freak about coffee, you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important like…a Danish. [laughter]
New Rule: [insert photo of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes] Dating a self-proclaimed “26-year-old virgin” is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. [laughter] [applause] You're a big star. You can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn't put out? [laughter] I thought Scientology was supposed to clear your mind. [laughter] [applause]
New Rule: Your hamburger can't be bigger than your ass. [laughter] Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield , Pennsylvania , is offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds! [audience reacts] One sign your portions may be too large: if one of the health risks is a back injury. [laughter] [applause]
And finally, New Rule: Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding. She's crazy if she wants to spend the rest of her life servicing this goober. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Now, last week when I heard that a young bride-to-be had gone missing on a jog days before her wedding, I had the same thought everyone else did: Man, that Scott Peterson is good! [laughter] [applause]
Now, Americans this week have acted like the so-called “runaway bride” is crazy for skipping town rather than marrying a Sunday school teacher in Duluth , Georgia . Ah, yes, the good life: the bake sales, the prayer meetings, the abortion protests, who could just walk away from all that? [laughter] How come when the girl from “Titanic” ditches her fiancé, it's the greatest romance of all time, but when Jennifer Wilbanks does it, she's a “criminal loon with a case of temporary insanity”?
Temporany sanity is more like it. [applause] She was staring down the barrel of 14 bridesmaids and 600 guests in the Georgia heat watching a Baptist in a blue suit sanctify her sex life with Welch's grape juice and a reading from The Purpose-Driven Life . Suddenly, Greyhound to Vegas looked pretty good! [laughter] [applause]
Jennifer, I applaud your rugged individualism. [laughter] You eloped with yourself. [laughter] And to Vegas! Baby, that's money! [laughter] I mean, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. [laughter] Whereas, the woman who marries in Georgia …stays in Georgia . [laughter]
Jen, you're a free spirit, I can tell. Something inside you snapped and rebelled at the idea of living in a persistent vegetative state. [laughter] Which is why tonight I'd like to offer you an open invitation to come on out here. We'll even send you the $118 bus fare. [laughter] First class, right behind the driver. [laughter] Come on! Come on all the way over to the dark side. You can stay in my hot tub until you get back on your feet. [laughter] [applause]
You're crazy and you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own. You belong in Hollywood ! [laughter] [applause] You're a reality show waiting to happen! [laughter] Plus, there's a lot of eligible bachelors here. Pat O'Brien's available. [laughter] I can introduce you. Plus, I've got some stuff that you can smoke that might alleviate some of that pressure behind your eyeballs. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]
And one more thing. Don't worry about that fiancé of yours. Believe me, by the time I'm finished with you, he won't want you back. [laughter]
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. [laughter] [applause] If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you're a huge asshole. [laughter] [applause]
SULLIVAN: And then you pay by credit card, right? [laughter]
MAHER: Yeah, that's right. If you're this much of a control freak about coffee, you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important like…a Danish. [laughter]
New Rule: [insert photo of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes] Dating a self-proclaimed “26-year-old virgin” is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. [laughter] [applause] You're a big star. You can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn't put out? [laughter] I thought Scientology was supposed to clear your mind. [laughter] [applause]
New Rule: Your hamburger can't be bigger than your ass. [laughter] Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield , Pennsylvania , is offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds! [audience reacts] One sign your portions may be too large: if one of the health risks is a back injury. [laughter] [applause]
And finally, New Rule: Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding. She's crazy if she wants to spend the rest of her life servicing this goober. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Now, last week when I heard that a young bride-to-be had gone missing on a jog days before her wedding, I had the same thought everyone else did: Man, that Scott Peterson is good! [laughter] [applause]
Now, Americans this week have acted like the so-called “runaway bride” is crazy for skipping town rather than marrying a Sunday school teacher in Duluth , Georgia . Ah, yes, the good life: the bake sales, the prayer meetings, the abortion protests, who could just walk away from all that? [laughter] How come when the girl from “Titanic” ditches her fiancé, it's the greatest romance of all time, but when Jennifer Wilbanks does it, she's a “criminal loon with a case of temporary insanity”?
Temporany sanity is more like it. [applause] She was staring down the barrel of 14 bridesmaids and 600 guests in the Georgia heat watching a Baptist in a blue suit sanctify her sex life with Welch's grape juice and a reading from The Purpose-Driven Life . Suddenly, Greyhound to Vegas looked pretty good! [laughter] [applause]
Jennifer, I applaud your rugged individualism. [laughter] You eloped with yourself. [laughter] And to Vegas! Baby, that's money! [laughter] I mean, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. [laughter] Whereas, the woman who marries in Georgia …stays in Georgia . [laughter]
Jen, you're a free spirit, I can tell. Something inside you snapped and rebelled at the idea of living in a persistent vegetative state. [laughter] Which is why tonight I'd like to offer you an open invitation to come on out here. We'll even send you the $118 bus fare. [laughter] First class, right behind the driver. [laughter] Come on! Come on all the way over to the dark side. You can stay in my hot tub until you get back on your feet. [laughter] [applause]
You're crazy and you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own. You belong in Hollywood ! [laughter] [applause] You're a reality show waiting to happen! [laughter] Plus, there's a lot of eligible bachelors here. Pat O'Brien's available. [laughter] I can introduce you. Plus, I've got some stuff that you can smoke that might alleviate some of that pressure behind your eyeballs. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]
And one more thing. Don't worry about that fiancé of yours. Believe me, by the time I'm finished with you, he won't want you back. [laughter]
Sunday, August 14, 2005
New Rules Volume 1 by Bill Maher
New Rule: The next reality show must be called “America's Stupidest State.” [laughter] We'll start at 50, and each week, if your state does something really stupid with, say, evolution or images of the Virgin Mary, you'll move on to the next round. [laughter] Now, of course, the final five will always end up being Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas and Florida. [laughter] [applause] Sorry, Tennessee. [laughter]
New Rule: Someone must stop the Cirque du Soleil. [laughter] [cheers] [applause] If we hate the French so much, how come we gave them Las Vegas? [laughter] There are now six Cirque du Soleil-related shows on The Strip. Six! Who wants to spend two hours watching a bunch of French chicks fold themselves in half? [laughter] You know what? Scratch that. [laughter] New Rule: We need more Cirque du Soleil! [laughter] [applause]
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. [laughter] [applause] Paper, plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! [laughter] [applause]
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] It's right above the crack of your ass. [laughter] And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” [laughter] [applause] The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. [laughter][applause] You're not spiritual. You're just high. [laughter]
And finally, New Rule: The people in America who are most in favor of the Iraq war must now go there and fight it. [applause] [cheers] The Army missed its recruiting goal by 42% last month. More people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. [laughter] “We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit.” [laughter] And now we need warm bodies. We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs…warm bodies! [laughter] [applause]
Now, last week, a Baptist minister in North Carolina told nine members of his congregation that unless they renounced their 2004 vote for John Kerry, they had to leave his church. Well, if we're that certain these days that George Bush is always that right about everything, then going to Iraq to fulfill the glorious leader's vision would seem the least one could do. [laughter] And, hey, if it makes it any easier for you, just think of it as a reality show: “Fear Factor: Shitting Your Pants Edition.” [laughter] [applause] “Survivor: Sunni Triangle.” [laughter] Or maybe it's a video game, “Grand Theft Allah.” [laughter]
Now, I know you're thinking, but, Bill, I already do my part with the “Support Our Troops” magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. [laughter] How much more can one man give? [laughter] Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? [applause] [cheers] Do they hate America or just freedom in general? [laughter] [applause]
And that goes for everybody who helped sell this war. You've got to go first. Brooks and Dunn, drop your cocks and grab your socks! [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Ann Coulter, darling, trust me, you will love the Army. [applause] [cheers] You think you make up shit! [laughter]
Curt Schilling, b-bye! [laughter] You ended the curse on Boston. Good. Let's try your luck in Fallouja. [laughter] Oh, and that Republican Baldwin brother, he's got to go so that Ted Nugent has someone to frag. [laughter] [applause]
But mostly, we have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears. [laughter] [applause] Because Britney once said, “We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens.” Okay, somebody has to die for that. [laughter] [applause]
Or at least go. Hey, maybe she'll like it. Hell, she's already knocked up. [laughter] That'll save the MP unit about ten minutes. [laughter] [groans] [applause]
And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline's face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie. [laughter] [applause]
In summation, you cannot advocate for something you wouldn't do yourself. For example, I'm for fuel efficiency, which is why I drive a hybrid car and always take an electric private plane. [laughter] I'm for legalizing marijuana, and so I smoke a ton of it. [laughter] [applause] [cheers].
New Rule: Someone must stop the Cirque du Soleil. [laughter] [cheers] [applause] If we hate the French so much, how come we gave them Las Vegas? [laughter] There are now six Cirque du Soleil-related shows on The Strip. Six! Who wants to spend two hours watching a bunch of French chicks fold themselves in half? [laughter] You know what? Scratch that. [laughter] New Rule: We need more Cirque du Soleil! [laughter] [applause]
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. [laughter] [applause] Paper, plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! [laughter] [applause]
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] It's right above the crack of your ass. [laughter] And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” [laughter] [applause] The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. [laughter][applause] You're not spiritual. You're just high. [laughter]
And finally, New Rule: The people in America who are most in favor of the Iraq war must now go there and fight it. [applause] [cheers] The Army missed its recruiting goal by 42% last month. More people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. [laughter] “We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit.” [laughter] And now we need warm bodies. We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs…warm bodies! [laughter] [applause]
Now, last week, a Baptist minister in North Carolina told nine members of his congregation that unless they renounced their 2004 vote for John Kerry, they had to leave his church. Well, if we're that certain these days that George Bush is always that right about everything, then going to Iraq to fulfill the glorious leader's vision would seem the least one could do. [laughter] And, hey, if it makes it any easier for you, just think of it as a reality show: “Fear Factor: Shitting Your Pants Edition.” [laughter] [applause] “Survivor: Sunni Triangle.” [laughter] Or maybe it's a video game, “Grand Theft Allah.” [laughter]
Now, I know you're thinking, but, Bill, I already do my part with the “Support Our Troops” magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. [laughter] How much more can one man give? [laughter] Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? [applause] [cheers] Do they hate America or just freedom in general? [laughter] [applause]
And that goes for everybody who helped sell this war. You've got to go first. Brooks and Dunn, drop your cocks and grab your socks! [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Ann Coulter, darling, trust me, you will love the Army. [applause] [cheers] You think you make up shit! [laughter]
Curt Schilling, b-bye! [laughter] You ended the curse on Boston. Good. Let's try your luck in Fallouja. [laughter] Oh, and that Republican Baldwin brother, he's got to go so that Ted Nugent has someone to frag. [laughter] [applause]
But mostly, we have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears. [laughter] [applause] Because Britney once said, “We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens.” Okay, somebody has to die for that. [laughter] [applause]
Or at least go. Hey, maybe she'll like it. Hell, she's already knocked up. [laughter] That'll save the MP unit about ten minutes. [laughter] [groans] [applause]
And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline's face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie. [laughter] [applause]
In summation, you cannot advocate for something you wouldn't do yourself. For example, I'm for fuel efficiency, which is why I drive a hybrid car and always take an electric private plane. [laughter] I'm for legalizing marijuana, and so I smoke a ton of it. [laughter] [applause] [cheers].
Friday, August 12, 2005
Short Funny Jokes
Short Funny Jokes
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
Funny Jokes! Really Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes!
Short Funny Jokes - Things That Annoy Us
When people say or do these things, do they get annoying?
When people point at their watch and ask what time it is. I know where my watch is, where's yours? I don't point at my pants and ask where the bathroom is now do I?!
People are willing to get up and search the entire room for the remote because they refuse to walk up to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "its always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you found it? Do people really do this? Who and where are they?
When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.' OF COURSE. What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people at the movies say 'you see that?' No, I paid $9.00 to come to the theater and to stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
When something is 'new and improved', which one is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been sumthin before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, your the one that pulled me over.
When people say 'Life is short' What? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! Is there something they are doing longer, and what is it?
When people ask 'Can I BORROW a piece of paper?' Sure, but when you put all your answers on it, I want it back! I mean its a piece of paper!
When your waiting for the bus and the guy next to you asks 'bus come yet?' If it had came I wouldn't be standing here now would I?
People who ask, 'Can I ask you a question?' Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
- Funny Jokes! Funny Jokes! Funny Jokes! Short Funny Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes, Really Funny Jokes
When people say or do these things, do they get annoying?
When people point at their watch and ask what time it is. I know where my watch is, where's yours? I don't point at my pants and ask where the bathroom is now do I?!
People are willing to get up and search the entire room for the remote because they refuse to walk up to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "its always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you found it? Do people really do this? Who and where are they?
When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.' OF COURSE. What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people at the movies say 'you see that?' No, I paid $9.00 to come to the theater and to stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
When something is 'new and improved', which one is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been sumthin before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, your the one that pulled me over.
When people say 'Life is short' What? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! Is there something they are doing longer, and what is it?
When people ask 'Can I BORROW a piece of paper?' Sure, but when you put all your answers on it, I want it back! I mean its a piece of paper!
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When people say 'Life is short' What? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! Is there something they are doing longer, and what is it?
When people ask 'Can I BORROW a piece of paper?' Sure, but when you put all your answers on it, I want it back! I mean its a piece of paper!
When your waiting for the bus and the guy next to you asks 'bus come yet?' If it had came I wouldn't be standing here now would I?
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When people say "its always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you found it? Do people really do this? Who and where are they?
When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.' OF COURSE. What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people at the movies say 'you see that?' No, I paid $9.00 to come to the theater and to stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
When something is 'new and improved', which one is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been sumthin before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, your the one that pulled me over.
When people say 'Life is short' What? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! Is there something they are doing longer, and what is it?
When people ask 'Can I BORROW a piece of paper?' Sure, but when you put all your answers on it, I want it back! I mean its a piece of paper!
When your waiting for the bus and the guy next to you asks 'bus come yet?' If it had came I wouldn't be standing here now would I?
People who ask, 'Can I ask you a question?' Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
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