Monday, August 15, 2005

Late Night Jokes - Jay Leno, David Letterman

How many have seen this movie "March of The Penguins"? It’s doing huge business. You know why they’re marching? They can’t afford the gas.

President Bush has indicated that the President of Iran will receive a visa to come to the United States. I’m as shocked as you. You still need a visa to come to the U.S.? I thought they did away with that stuff years ago.

As you know, President Bush is taking 5 weeks off. It’s like he’s still in the National Guard.
California education officials said today that the state of California needs 52,000 more teachers. They say we are facing a huge teacher shortage. In fact, by the year 2007, they said many students will be forced to have sex with each other.

Yesterday the Kansas City Royals lost their 13th game in a row. Thirteen in a row. So apparently, President Bush isn’t the only one taking the entire month of August off.

That 79-year-old priest from St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City has resigned after allegations that he had an affair. He said he was stepping down to spend more time with his girlfriend.

According to "The New York Post", runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks was supposed to get married today, it never happened. Ironically she showed up at the church and everybody else left town.

Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal computer. Experts say it revolutionized work and made people more productive at the office. Except for the six hours a day they’re emailing friends looking at porn and playing solitaire.

Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Martha Stewart Is Losing It.
Digging a tunnel to see "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo".
Believes Rafael Palmeiro.
Getting claustrophobic in her cramped 10,000 square foot, 153 acre estate.
Old catchphrase: "It's a good thing"- new catchphrase: "Get off my property or I'll cut you!"
Recently purchased mummified remains of Julia Child.
Hasn't slapped an underling in weeks.
Spends hours on end trying to teach macramé to backyard squirrels.
Spikes her coffee with a shot of Lemon Pledge.
Strolls around garden in ankle bracelet...and nothing else.
Every night same routine - tin of Skoal and Kung Fu magazines.

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