Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Late Night Jokes for August 2nd Week

Hand picked short funny jokes from the Late Night Comedy Shows.

Clean jokes from the material of Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O' Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, and many others.

Jokes for the Week of July 10-17



"Karl Rove is in a lot of trouble for allegedly leaking the name of a CIA operative. Remember the good old days when the only thing leaking in the White House was President Clinton?" --Jay Leno


"This puts President Bush in kind of a jam because a year ago he said whoever leaked the name of the CIA operative would be fired. It's a case of Bush spoke too soon; like when he said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno


"Karl Rove is really not worried about this because he knows Bush is extremely loyal to his staff. He never likes to fire his staff -- not out of loyalty; he hates having to learn new names." --Jay Leno


"According to a new study by the National Geographic 11% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on the map of the world. You know the only place where everyone could find the United States on a map of the world? Mexico." --Jay Leno


"Support for Osama bin Laden is down in Muslim countries. ... In fact, bin Laden's approval rating is so low, today he hired Karl Rove to try to get the numbers back up." --Jay Leno


"William Rehnquist denied reports he's retiring. ... He said that was a nasty rumor started by his mortician." --Jay Leno


"President Bush's still searching for a Supreme Court justice. ... Bush said he's thinking of appointing someone who's not a judge. He has it narrowed down to a cowboy or a fireman." --Jay Leno


"Sandra Day O'Connor is now being urged not to retire. In fact, Clarence Thomas told her, 'Please don't go. You're so much hotter than Ruth Bader Ginsburg'" --Jay Leno


"There are hints now that President Bush might be backing away from Karl Rove. Like, today, he gave him a new job -- ambassador to Iraq. You know what's interesting -- this whole Karl Rove scandal -- it's just like the Clinton scandal. It involves a pudgy person in the Oval Office who can't keep their mouth shut." --Jay Leno


"In testimony on Capitol Hill, the Pentagon admitted to degrading and abusing prisoners at Guantanamo. They said one prisoner was forced to dance with a man, wear a leash and perform tricks. The bad news -- they didn't get any information from the guy, but the good news -- the guy did get accepted to five different fraternities." --Jay Leno


"President Bush said he would be willing to consider people who were not judges or lawyers for the Supreme Court opening. Yeah, making the supreme laws of the land -- what kind of job is that for professionals?" --Jay Leno


"President Bush is busy trying to pick a new Supreme Court Justice. Yesterday President Bush was asked if he would consider nominating someone who has never been a judge before and he said 'you bet.' Then the president said the same thing when asked if he wanted to take the day off and play laser tag." --Conan O'Brien


"President Bush went to Indiana to try and reach out to the state's black voters. Apparently Indiana's black voters are divided -- one likes Bush; the other doesn't." --Conan O'Brien


"The other day former President Clinton played golf with Yankee manager Joe Torre. Apparently they spent most of the time trying to figure out who is the bigger pain in the ass -- Hillary or George Steinbrenner" --Conan O'Brien


"Last month Congress took a bold step away from protecting America's mass transit system by voting to slash next year's security budget for them by $50 millions. $50 million, or to put it in Amtrak terms, 45 cream cheese and raisin sandwiches and a bottle of diet coke. ... You know, just once I would like to see Congress pre-spond. You know, a change of pace. But while 9/11 changed everything; 7/7 didn't change all that much. Tuesday the Senate also voted to continue distributing a significant portion of security dollars equally among the states, rather then by likelihood of attack. Bad news for -- I don't know -- here. But good news for smaller states like Wyoming, which only has one high risk target -- the popular tourist attraction: the world's largest pile of homeland security money." --Jon Stewart


"Karl Rove is in a lot of trouble. The White House says today that President Bush is standing by his top advisor Karl Rove even though Rove apparently revealed the identity of a CIA agent. However, Bush did say he would fire Rove if he revealed the end of 'Charlie and the Chocolate factory.'" --Conan O'Brien "More problems for Karl Rove -- now he's accused of leaking the plot of the Harry Potter book." --Jay Leno



"This is a tough situation for President Bush because he and Rove are very close. And a friend of both was quoted saying today they finish each other's sentence. Although I am pretty sure Bush starts the sentence, and then the other guy finishes." --Jay Leno


"Chief Justice William Rehnquist was hospitalized last night with a slight fever. Doctors have worked out a compromise so he can still work. They're going to give him a judge's robe that opens in the back." --Jay Leno


"In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton compared President Bush to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. ... After hearing this the president said, 'Finally a literary reference I can understand.'" --Conan O'Brien


"The big rumor is that Chief Justice Rehnquist is going to resign from the Supreme Court this week. See, I won't believe it till it's leaked to the New York Times by Karl Rove -- then I'll believe it's true." --Jay Leno


"Suspicion for the leak was immediately cast on White House adviser and long time Bush confident, Karl Rove, known as one of the few men in Washington with flesh colored hair" --Jon Stewart


"It was reported that 2 out of every 10 men and 4 out of every 10 women of recruiting age are too fat to be in the United States military. I believe the new slogan is 'An Army of One, the Size of Two.' In fact, now when the recruiter says don't ask don't tell, they're talking about your weight." --Jay Leno


"Senator Hillary Clinton wrote a piece for the New York Daily News, saying we should be more concerned about childhood obesity. Well, of course, she has invested in this because one of those little fat girls could one day grow up to be her husband's girlfriend." --Jay Leno


"Hillary Clinton was also in Aspen, Colorado, this week where she gave a speech and accused President Bush of damaging the economy by catering to the rich. And why give a speech in Aspen, Colorado, of course, unless you are catering to the rich" --Jay Leno

"Where are the country singers threatening to put boots up people asses? ... Who grieves this privately? This American likes his sorrow in t-shirt form" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry, on London in the aftermath of the attacks
"The president's top political adviser, Karl Rove, is spending all his time working on Bush's next Supreme Court nominee. Well sure, that's because this judge could decide if Rove is going to prison or not." --Jay Leno

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