Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Hand picked short funny jokes from the Late Night Comedy Shows.

Clean jokes from the material of Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O' Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, and many others.

Jokes for the Week of July 17-23

"Pennsylvania Republican family values congressman Don Sherwood, who is married, has admitted he had an affair for five years with a young women. But he said it is a five-year affair he deeply regrets. That's something -- these guys only regret the affair after they've been caught. They never regret it when the pants are going down -- only when they're coming back up. ... Before he got elected to Congress he was a used car dealer. So he's married, a Congressman, and a used car-salesman. That's like the trifecta of lying." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear the video game industry has changed the ratings of the game Grand Theft Auto to an adult-only rating after pressure from media watch dog groups and politicians because the game had hidden sexual content? Politicians felt the sex would have a negative effect on the children. See that shows you how up tight we are in this country about sex. Apparently a game when you're stealing cars and killing cops is okay -- it's the sex we're worried about." --Jay Leno

"Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead." --Jay Leno

"There are now reports that top White House aide Karl Rove is being investigated for lying to the grand Jury. You know something? That sounds like a rich white guy crime -- lying to the grand jury. You never see anybody on Cops being charged with that." --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to a great American -- Bob Dole is 85 today. The Army Corp of Engineers conducted a controlled burn on his cake." --David Letterman

"President Bush had breakfast with his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Afterwards Bush said he's never seen such a qualified candidate and John Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula." --Conan O'Brien

"Everyone has Harry Potter fever. Earlier today former FBI official Mark Felt announced that he was the half blood prince." --David Letterman

"The White House revealed today that there were eleven finalists for the Supreme Court nomination before President Bush chose this John Roberts guy. And here's the shocking part: you know who the runner up was? Bo Bice." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney got a colonoscopy this week and doctors say that he is fine, but he did have an inflamed esophagus. Which is kind of strange. You go in for a colonoscopy and you come out and you've got an inflamed esophagus. I guess it is better then the other way around. You go in to get your throat checked and you wake up with a sore ass." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has nominated John Roberts to be the next Supreme Court justice. So counting this nomination, this is the second person who's gotten a job for life from President Bush. The first, of course, being the guy in charge of the war in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"According to a new report, China's increasingly modern military will eventually threaten the United States. They already have these intercontinental missiles that can reach us. Do you think we have anything to worry about from China? Why would they try to kill their best customer? It would be like Columbia trying to destroy Hollywood." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. Which is pretty amazing considering, you know, he recently had that near-death experience. Not the heart bypass but when Hillary came home early." --Jay Leno

"John Roberts could be the newest member of the Supreme Court and I gotta tell you -- I haven't seen this much charisma since the Oreck vacuum guy. He's everywhere. Now he's doing a lot of interviews hoping to get nominated. Earlier today he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman

"Yesterday Canada joined Spain to become one of the only countries to legalize gay marriage. As a result, Canada and Spain are going to spend the weekend antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"In Iraq, the U.S. military wants to disperse angry rioters by using a new weapon called a microwave beam. Officials say the beam works perfectly. The hard part is getting the rioters to stand on a slowly revolving plate." --Conan O'Brien

"I guess we're all excited that President Bush announced his nomination to the Supreme Court -- John Roberts. Bush searched far and wide before he made the risky choice of a white guy in his fifties." --David Letterman

"President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court was extremely important because these are the people we choose to pick the next president of the United States." --Jay Leno


"You realize he is only 50 years old. He could serve on the court for the next 40 years. So he could still be there when we pull out of Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Even the Democrats are saying while John Roberts is extremely conservative, he is very bright, he is intellectually curious, and has a great legal mind -- so it must have been a real thrill for him to be interviewed by President Bush." --Jay Leno

"Here's what we know about John Roberts -- he's a conservative and, as a small town judge, he once outlawed dirty dancing." --David Letterman

"Last night President Bush picked Judge John Roberts to be his nominee to the Supreme Court. The name was actually leaked to the press a couple hours earlier. That Karl Rove is unbelievable." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced his Supreme Court pick. Isn't that exciting? ... President Bush announced that he has nominated Judge John Roberts to the court. When asked why, Bush said he picked Roberts because he has one of the finest legal minds since Matlock." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night (President Bush) unveiled his pick with his mastery of the rhetorically obvious. [clip of Bush:'"When a president chooses a justice he's placing in human hands the authority and majesty of the law.'] So you're going with a human are you? Eeeeeeexcellent." --Jon Stewart

"After all the media's speculation about Edith this or Hispanic that, they picked a white guy. And not just any white guy, A REALLY white guy. John Roberts? That's the fake name that every underage kid busted with booze uses." --Daily Show correspondent Ed Helms

"According to the New York Post the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral is Bill Clinton. I think Hillary has planned it a thousand times." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore has announced he is starting his own TV cable network. ... He is billing it as the first network for 18 to 34 year olds. Apparently Al's never heard of MTV." --Jay Leno

"President Bush hosted a state dinner for the prime minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush urged the Indian prime minister to clean his plate because there were people starving in his country." --Conan O'Brien

"I think Karl Rove is getting a little worried. Like today he said the biggest problem facing Americans -- prison rape." --Jay Leno

"Karl Rove, he is very desperate now. He's trying to improve his image. And, this afternoon, earlier today, he was jumping up and down on Oprah's couch." --David Letterman "I thought this was nice – earlier today Martha Stewart showed Karl Rove how to slip off an ankle monitor." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Bush says that he doesn't want to act too quickly and he doesn't want to act before he has all the facts. And I thought, this doesn't sound like the President Bush I know. ... President Bush does say he'll stand by Karl Rove, and you know what that means -- he'll be gone in a week." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual check up this week. And doctors did a review of Cheney's pace marker. They said it never had to go off. You know how those work? It's designed to automatically stabilize Cheney's heart beat if it beats erratically or if the price of oil goes below 40 dollars a barrel." --Jay Leno

"Chief Justice William Rehnquist denied reports that he’s going to retire for health reasons. He said that during an interview on the show "Crossing Over.'" --Jay Leno

"The prime minister of India was at the White House today. One kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer? I'm having some problems with it. I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney went to George Washington University Hospital and got a colonoscopy. The doctor said his colon is fine, but his esophagus is inflamed. Let me tell you something, if you finish a colonoscopy and you have a sore throat, that is a very thorough exam." --Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has called for an investigation of the video game Grand Theft Auto after finding hidden sex in the game. I don’t know, is Hillary the best one to go looking for hidden sex? If Hillary was any good at finding it, her husband wouldn't have been impeached." --Jay Leno

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