Monday, August 15, 2005

New Rules Volume 2 - Bill Maher

New Rule: This year, instead of running a new Kentucky Derby, Kentucky must just show an old one. [laughter] No one will know the difference. [laughter] They've been showing the same NASCAR race since 1994, and no one seems to mind. [laughter]

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. [laughter] [applause] If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you're a huge asshole. [laughter] [applause]

SULLIVAN: And then you pay by credit card, right? [laughter]

MAHER: Yeah, that's right. If you're this much of a control freak about coffee, you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important like…a Danish. [laughter]

New Rule: [insert photo of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes] Dating a self-proclaimed “26-year-old virgin” is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. [laughter] [applause] You're a big star. You can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn't put out? [laughter] I thought Scientology was supposed to clear your mind. [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: Your hamburger can't be bigger than your ass. [laughter] Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield , Pennsylvania , is offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds! [audience reacts] One sign your portions may be too large: if one of the health risks is a back injury. [laughter] [applause]

And finally, New Rule: Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding. She's crazy if she wants to spend the rest of her life servicing this goober. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Now, last week when I heard that a young bride-to-be had gone missing on a jog days before her wedding, I had the same thought everyone else did: Man, that Scott Peterson is good! [laughter] [applause]

Now, Americans this week have acted like the so-called “runaway bride” is crazy for skipping town rather than marrying a Sunday school teacher in Duluth , Georgia . Ah, yes, the good life: the bake sales, the prayer meetings, the abortion protests, who could just walk away from all that? [laughter] How come when the girl from “Titanic” ditches her fiancĂ©, it's the greatest romance of all time, but when Jennifer Wilbanks does it, she's a “criminal loon with a case of temporary insanity”?

Temporany sanity is more like it. [applause] She was staring down the barrel of 14 bridesmaids and 600 guests in the Georgia heat watching a Baptist in a blue suit sanctify her sex life with Welch's grape juice and a reading from The Purpose-Driven Life . Suddenly, Greyhound to Vegas looked pretty good! [laughter] [applause]

Jennifer, I applaud your rugged individualism. [laughter] You eloped with yourself. [laughter] And to Vegas! Baby, that's money! [laughter] I mean, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. [laughter] Whereas, the woman who marries in Georgia …stays in Georgia . [laughter]

Jen, you're a free spirit, I can tell. Something inside you snapped and rebelled at the idea of living in a persistent vegetative state. [laughter] Which is why tonight I'd like to offer you an open invitation to come on out here. We'll even send you the $118 bus fare. [laughter] First class, right behind the driver. [laughter] Come on! Come on all the way over to the dark side. You can stay in my hot tub until you get back on your feet. [laughter] [applause]

You're crazy and you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own. You belong in Hollywood ! [laughter] [applause] You're a reality show waiting to happen! [laughter] Plus, there's a lot of eligible bachelors here. Pat O'Brien's available. [laughter] I can introduce you. Plus, I've got some stuff that you can smoke that might alleviate some of that pressure behind your eyeballs. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]

And one more thing. Don't worry about that fiancé of yours. Believe me, by the time I'm finished with you, he won't want you back. [laughter]

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Orange County SEO Companies OC Register, Says Atomic SEO is #1....

oakleyses said...

tory burch outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet online sale, longchamp outlet, michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet online, christian louboutin shoes, chanel handbags, prada handbags, ugg boots clearance, gucci handbags, tiffany and co, cheap ugg boots, ugg outlet, michael kors handbags, nike air max, oakley sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet online, longchamp handbags, burberry outlet online, ray ban outlet, christian louboutin outlet, louis vuitton outlet, nike outlet, michael kors outlet, jordan shoes, replica watches, louis vuitton, nike air max, polo ralph lauren, longchamp outlet online, ray ban sunglasses, tiffany jewelry, michael kors outlet store, burberry outlet online, christian louboutin, ugg australia, louis vuitton handbags, ray ban sunglasses, red bottom shoes, polo ralph lauren outlet, louis vuitton outlet, prada outlet, cheap oakley sunglasses

oakleyses said...

ralph lauren uk, ralph lauren pas cher, coach outlet store online, nike air max, converse pas cher, air max pas cher, timberland pas cher, new balance pas cher, nike free, sac vanessa bruno, vans pas cher, longchamp, true religion, michael kors, air max, louboutin, lululemon outlet online, abercrombie and fitch, tn pas cher, nike blazer pas cher, true religion jeans, hollister, kate spade outlet, scarpe hogan, ray ban uk, air jordan, coach outlet, true religion outlet, coach purses, nike roshe run, hollister uk, north face, replica handbags, north face pas cher, michael kors outlet online, true religion outlet, lacoste pas cher, ray ban pas cher, burberry pas cher, mulberry uk, nike free pas cher, hermes pas cher, nike air max, michael kors canada, oakley pas cher, longchamp pas cher, nike roshe, guess pas cher, nike air force, michael kors uk

oakleyses said...

instyler ionic styler, nfl jerseys, mont blanc pens, louboutin, chi flat iron, iphone 6s plus cases, bottega veneta, mac cosmetics, birkin bag, p90x workout, wedding dresses, soccer shoes, lululemon outlet, iphone 6 plus cases, ipad cases, giuseppe zanotti, celine handbags, nike roshe, ghd, ralph lauren, beats headphones, iphone 5s cases, s6 cases, abercrombie and fitch, timberland boots, insanity workout, nike air max, north face jackets, soccer jerseys, jimmy choo shoes, iphone 6s cases, reebok shoes, iphone 6 cases, nike air huarache, nike trainers, vans outlet, babyliss, hollister, mcm handbags, valentino shoes, baseball bats, north face jackets, iphone cases, asics shoes, herve leger, longchamp, ferragamo shoes, oakley, hollister clothing store, new balance outlet

oakleyses said...

moncler, pandora jewelry, sac louis vuitton, louis vuitton, supra shoes, louis vuitton uk, pandora uk, juicy couture outlet, ugg boots, canada goose outlet, coach outlet, barbour, wedding dress, doke gabbana outlet, replica watches, gucci, ugg, montre femme, louis vuitton canada, converse shoes, air max, louis vuitton pas cher, canada goose outlet, canada goose, canada goose, links of london uk, marc jacobs handbags, moncler, thomas sabo uk, canada goose outlet, juicy couture, uggs canada, canada goose, canada goose pas cher, moncler, hollister canada, converse, karen millen, pandora charms, moncler, moncler outlet, moncler outlet, barbour jackets, moncler, abercrombie, swarovski jewelry, toms outlet, ugg, moncler, vans, ray ban, pandora jewelry