New Rules Volume 2 - Bill Maher

New Rule: This year, instead of running a new Kentucky Derby, Kentucky must just show an old one. [laughter] No one will know the difference. [laughter] They've been showing the same NASCAR race since 1994, and no one seems to mind. [laughter]

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. [laughter] [applause] If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you're a huge asshole. [laughter] [applause]

SULLIVAN: And then you pay by credit card, right? [laughter]

MAHER: Yeah, that's right. If you're this much of a control freak about coffee, you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important like…a Danish. [laughter]

New Rule: [insert photo of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes] Dating a self-proclaimed “26-year-old virgin” is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. [laughter] [applause] You're a big star. You can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn't put out? [laughter] I thought Scientology was supposed to clear your mind. [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: Your hamburger can't be bigger than your ass. [laughter] Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield , Pennsylvania , is offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds! [audience reacts] One sign your portions may be too large: if one of the health risks is a back injury. [laughter] [applause]

And finally, New Rule: Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding. She's crazy if she wants to spend the rest of her life servicing this goober. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Now, last week when I heard that a young bride-to-be had gone missing on a jog days before her wedding, I had the same thought everyone else did: Man, that Scott Peterson is good! [laughter] [applause]

Now, Americans this week have acted like the so-called “runaway bride” is crazy for skipping town rather than marrying a Sunday school teacher in Duluth , Georgia . Ah, yes, the good life: the bake sales, the prayer meetings, the abortion protests, who could just walk away from all that? [laughter] How come when the girl from “Titanic” ditches her fiancé, it's the greatest romance of all time, but when Jennifer Wilbanks does it, she's a “criminal loon with a case of temporary insanity”?

Temporany sanity is more like it. [applause] She was staring down the barrel of 14 bridesmaids and 600 guests in the Georgia heat watching a Baptist in a blue suit sanctify her sex life with Welch's grape juice and a reading from The Purpose-Driven Life . Suddenly, Greyhound to Vegas looked pretty good! [laughter] [applause]

Jennifer, I applaud your rugged individualism. [laughter] You eloped with yourself. [laughter] And to Vegas! Baby, that's money! [laughter] I mean, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. [laughter] Whereas, the woman who marries in Georgia …stays in Georgia . [laughter]

Jen, you're a free spirit, I can tell. Something inside you snapped and rebelled at the idea of living in a persistent vegetative state. [laughter] Which is why tonight I'd like to offer you an open invitation to come on out here. We'll even send you the $118 bus fare. [laughter] First class, right behind the driver. [laughter] Come on! Come on all the way over to the dark side. You can stay in my hot tub until you get back on your feet. [laughter] [applause]

You're crazy and you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own. You belong in Hollywood ! [laughter] [applause] You're a reality show waiting to happen! [laughter] Plus, there's a lot of eligible bachelors here. Pat O'Brien's available. [laughter] I can introduce you. Plus, I've got some stuff that you can smoke that might alleviate some of that pressure behind your eyeballs. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]

And one more thing. Don't worry about that fiancé of yours. Believe me, by the time I'm finished with you, he won't want you back. [laughter]