New Rules Volume 1 by Bill Maher

New Rule: The next reality show must be called “America's Stupidest State.” [laughter] We'll start at 50, and each week, if your state does something really stupid with, say, evolution or images of the Virgin Mary, you'll move on to the next round. [laughter] Now, of course, the final five will always end up being Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas and Florida. [laughter] [applause] Sorry, Tennessee. [laughter]

New Rule: Someone must stop the Cirque du Soleil. [laughter] [cheers] [applause] If we hate the French so much, how come we gave them Las Vegas? [laughter] There are now six Cirque du Soleil-related shows on The Strip. Six! Who wants to spend two hours watching a bunch of French chicks fold themselves in half? [laughter] You know what? Scratch that. [laughter] New Rule: We need more Cirque du Soleil! [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. [laughter] [applause] Paper, plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine! [laughter] [applause]

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] It's right above the crack of your ass. [laughter] And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” [laughter] [applause] The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. [laughter][applause] You're not spiritual. You're just high. [laughter]

And finally, New Rule: The people in America who are most in favor of the Iraq war must now go there and fight it. [applause] [cheers] The Army missed its recruiting goal by 42% last month. More people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. [laughter] “We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit.” [laughter] And now we need warm bodies. We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs…warm bodies! [laughter] [applause]

Now, last week, a Baptist minister in North Carolina told nine members of his congregation that unless they renounced their 2004 vote for John Kerry, they had to leave his church. Well, if we're that certain these days that George Bush is always that right about everything, then going to Iraq to fulfill the glorious leader's vision would seem the least one could do. [laughter] And, hey, if it makes it any easier for you, just think of it as a reality show: “Fear Factor: Shitting Your Pants Edition.” [laughter] [applause] “Survivor: Sunni Triangle.” [laughter] Or maybe it's a video game, “Grand Theft Allah.” [laughter]

Now, I know you're thinking, but, Bill, I already do my part with the “Support Our Troops” magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. [laughter] How much more can one man give? [laughter] Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? [applause] [cheers] Do they hate America or just freedom in general? [laughter] [applause]

And that goes for everybody who helped sell this war. You've got to go first. Brooks and Dunn, drop your cocks and grab your socks! [laughter] [applause] [cheers] Ann Coulter, darling, trust me, you will love the Army. [applause] [cheers] You think you make up shit! [laughter]

Curt Schilling, b-bye! [laughter] You ended the curse on Boston. Good. Let's try your luck in Fallouja. [laughter] Oh, and that Republican Baldwin brother, he's got to go so that Ted Nugent has someone to frag. [laughter] [applause]

But mostly, we have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears. [laughter] [applause] Because Britney once said, “We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens.” Okay, somebody has to die for that. [laughter] [applause]
Or at least go. Hey, maybe she'll like it. Hell, she's already knocked up. [laughter] That'll save the MP unit about ten minutes. [laughter] [groans] [applause]

And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline's face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie. [laughter] [applause]

In summation, you cannot advocate for something you wouldn't do yourself. For example, I'm for fuel efficiency, which is why I drive a hybrid car and always take an electric private plane. [laughter] I'm for legalizing marijuana, and so I smoke a ton of it. [laughter] [applause] [cheers].